


Evangelion: Second Genesis

by picklemaddierix



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/M, Post-Third Impact
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picklemaddierix/pseuds/picklemaddierix
Summary: WARNING: This fic takes place after the events of the first 24 episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the feature film The End of Evangelion. It deals explicitly with the aftermath of the very end of the series, and as such I would recommend that anyone who hasn't finished this series should not read it,  both because of spoilers and because I believe that you genuinely would not get much out of itCONTENT WARNING: Eva is a pretty messed-up franchise. This fic will reference and describe many of the potentially-triggering events depicted in the show and generally attempt to stay true to a very-dark world. Reader discretion is advised. But if you can handle the show you should be fineOK HERE'S THE ACTUAL SUMMARY:The battle is over. The Eighteenth Angel has all but vanished from the Earth. All that remain are the failed guardians of humanity, two sad and broken children, surrounded by the destruction that they have wrought. It’s said that anywhere can be paradise if you have the will to live. Do Shinji and Asuka have the will to turn this new world into a second Eden? Or will the last thing they destroy be each other?
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Souryuu Asuka Langley
Comments: 16
Kudos: 45





	1. PROLOGUE: I'm here

Asuka screamed. Her arm had just been sliced in two. She was dying.  
“I’ll Kill you! I’ll kill you! I’ll Kill you! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I’ll-“  
Suddenly, she was filled with a strange sort of peace. Somehow, he was there, in her entry plug.  
“Shinji?”  
“I need you.”  
I’m here, she thought, before exploding into infinity.

The world smelled like an giant Eva with something rotten inside it. This was the first thing Asuka Langley Soryu noticed as her head reemerged into reality from the blood ocean. She looked up at an unfamiliar sky, noticing the ring of blood that now surrounded her planet. Asuka tried to move her right arm but it ached with every inch. She looked down with the one eye that she could open. “You couldn’t even fix my body, you stupid instrumentality? Useless puddle…”  
She paddled to the shore of the beach, and took one last look at the red sea.  
“Goodbye, mom.”  
The whole world seemed barren. The red sea stretched out all around her, littered with broken skyscrapers and the crucified corpses of the mass-produced evas. (Asuka made sure to give an akanbe to the Evas.) The rest was land, stretching out in uneven slopes and valley, littered jagged fragments that were impossible to identify as either rocks or the remains of something else. In the distance sat the massive half-head of Rei Ayanami, taller than any mountain and leaning on it’s left side, missing it’s right half as if she had been cut directly down the middle. Her face was frozen in an unsettlingly contented smile, stuck in either a religious joy or an orgasm. Her eye met Asuka’s.  
“What are you looking at, Wondergirl?”  
Asuka looked around in every direction, seeing no sign of civilization.  
“Someone had better find me soon. They’re gonna regret it if they don’t.” She sounded tired.  
Asuka continued walking, slowly, her legs still weak from their freshness. A unfamiliarly chill wind blew through her hair. As she continued walking she noticed the unevenness of the ground seemed more and more deliberate, as if tampered with by human hands.  
And then she came to a series of wooden poles, each with a different name graved on it. “Ritsuko Akagi” “Hikari Horaki” They were graves. “Pen Pen” “Ryoji Kaji” “Kensuke Aida” “Toji Suzuhara” “Asuka Langley Soryu.” The last one, on the highest point of all, had no name, only a small silver cross, nailed on. Asuka looked back at her own grave and kicked at with all her might, almost falling over from the effort.  
“I can’t believe that he thought that I’d just stay dead! It’s like he doesn’t know me at all! Whatever. At least that idiot is around here somewhere.”  


It didn’t take long. Shinji Ikari was lying still on a bed of white sand, still within eyesight of the graves. He seemed scrawnier than Asuka remembered, his skin rougher, his frown harsher and twisted with pain. He was asleep but not at peace.  
Suddenly, Asuka’s heart started racing, the way it did when she was piloting the Eva. Visions of what he did flew through her head: the choking, the hospital, how everything about her current hell could be traced back to his own stupid actions. As if by instinct, she began searching all around her, eventually picking up a jagged white rock, roughly half the size of a football.  
She stood over him, her stance proud, her good arm shaking. “I should do it. If anyone deserves it it’s him.” She couldn’t take her eye off his deep frown. “If anything I’d be doing him a favor.” She didn’t move.  
And suddenly, from Shinji, a whisper:  
“Asuka...”  
Asuka froze. A single tear rolled down Shinji’s face, but besides that he remained motionless. He was dreaming. He was not here.  
Asuka tossed the rock with all her might, sending it not four feet away from her. She sat down, taking a long look at Shinji’s face, noticing all the pain contained within.  
“You can cheer up now, dummy. I’m here.”


	2. Murderer Of All Murderers

“-I’m sorry Asuka, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-“  
Asuka lay still on the beach, her eye focused on the new red ring in the sky, while Shinji continued to sob besides her, sounding more and more like a dying animal.  
“Stop apologizing. It’s pathetic.” Asuka’s voice was curt and unforgiving, with none of her usual recreational meanness behind it. Shinji let out another inhuman scream.  
Slowly Asuka stood up, and looked around in every direction. There was nothing but sea and sand, broken buildings and broken Evas, the broken head of Goddess Ayanami and the broken boy huddled at her feet. There was nothing else. “Are we alone, Shinji?”  
Shinji sucked in a few cries. “It’s just us. I haven’t seen anyone, not a person or an animal or a bug or a single blade of grass.”  
Asuka nodded, her mind hard at work. “How long has it been.”  
“Six months. Maybe a week and six months.” Asuka nodded, her lips quivering, her face shacking.  
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Shinji shuttered from Asuka’s scream, still huddled on the ground.  
Taking deep breathes, she looked down at the pathetic mess at her feet. Her mind was suddenly filled with the things she had seen when their souls were in communication in The Tree Of Life, and they could see inside each others’ minds. The memories of Shinji. She saw Shinji standing over her in the hospital, Shinji sulking in a stairwell while nearly everyone he knew was at risk of being slaughtered, Shinji threatening to demolish the entire NERV base. She saw Shinji tearing off the head of maybe the only person who loved him, Shinji being forced to watch as his own Eva crushed the entry plug containing one of his closest friends, Shinji screaming in his Eva as it felt like his heart was being ripped apart. She saw Shinji crying as he was finally able to understand that his mother has died, Shinji running away from a father that could never show affection towards him. She saw Shinji getting in the Eva, time and time again, even though he hated it, even though he hurt. She saw Shinji dive into lava to protect her, even though he knew it could kill him, Shinji demanding to go out and protect her from Arael, Shinji lying awake for a long time, wondering why she was so mean, if she really hated him, what did he do to deserve it. She saw the way he felt after she had kissed him. She saw Shinji.  
She reached her good hand over to Shinji, as if to comfort him, but hesitated a few inches from his shoulder. She held it there a few moments. Her hand started shaking, until she finally clenched it up into a fist. “Get up,” she commanded. Shinji was unresponsive. “I said get UP” she kicked him on his stomach as he flipped over. Her strength had recovered some, but Shinji was also very week. Slowly he started to pull himself from the ground; Asuka pulled him up by the arm halfway through. Their faces were inches apart, but Shinji’s eyes were still glued to the ground, while Asuka took in every inch of his body. She grabbed his shirt and smelled it. “Disgusting!”  
“Asuka, what do you-“  
“You smell Awful! When was the last time you bathed?”  
“I don’t have any soap, but I just went in the water last night.”  
She rolled her good eye “Well you smell terrible. Go in the sea and wash yourself.”  
“Asuka, please, it’s the middle of the night-“  
“Now, Shinji!” She kicked again, more towards him than at him.  
Shinji nodded slightly and lumbered towards the waves. About six feet from the shore he undressed down to his underwear. He started to walk into the water.  
“Shinji.”  
He looked back and found Asuka’s gaze on him. She refused to say out loud her next command, but he nodded hesitantly as if he understood. One did not bathe in one’s underwear. He complied. Asuka’s stare remained unflinching. 

“Asuka?”  
Soaking wet, Shinji stood before her, his clothes returned and becoming moist.  
She smiled mischievously. “Yes, Shinji?”  
“I’m so sorry,” he said, shuddering, his head in his hands.  
She lay down, frowning. “Go back to bed, Idiot.”

Shinji and Kaworu sat by the lake where they had first met, Kaworu perched on the statue of an angel. Unit-00 and Unit-03 stand frozen, crucified in the water.  
“I feel like I’m forgetting something,” said Shinji.  
“I’m sure you’ll remember it. Your mind is sharper than you know.”  
Shinji smiled. “I wish I knew you longer. I wish I knew what you were capable of.”  
“Why do you need to know that?”  
“I’m not sure if you’re real, or the Kaworu in my head.”  
“Shinji, I’m a bit offended.”  
Shinji blushed “Because I said you’re not real?”  
“Because you think the Kaworu in your head isn’t real.” Kaworu brushed his hair. They were inches apart now  
In the distance, NERV HQ was being obliterated with an N2 mine. Screams echoed in the air. The mass produced Evas were circling the corpse of the building.  
Shinji sighed. “Poor Miss Misato. She’s going to have so much paperwork.”  
“She’s a hard worker. I hope she’s enjoying her vacation.”  
“She told me she’d buy me a stake dinner when she got back. I’m not sure. I don’t really want one.”  
“I understand. I am a vegetarian as well.”  
“I’m not actually hungry.”  
Shinji took a long look at Kaworu. “I wish I was capable of doing what your did.”  
“And I wish that you could see what I see.”  
“What’s that.”  
“The prettiest girl of all the Lilin.  
There was a knock at the door of Misato’s apartment. “The beginning of the end,” said Kaworu, as Shinji got up to open the door.  
“The Third Child is to prepare for battle.” Shinji’s father did not wait to be invited in, dragging behind him a naked Rei Ayanami.  
“I already defeated the eighteenth angel! The battle is supposed to be over!”  
Asuka stormed in, wearing a red gown dress that Shinji had never seen before. “Fuck you, Shinji!”  
“We have our double dates tonight. We need you to have sex so we can initiate third impact.” Rei spoke with the casualness of one who was wearing clothes.  
“No! I don’t want to do that! I won’t!”  
“Fuck you, Shinji!” said Asuka.  
Gendo was unmoved. “You will endure this. It is your duty as an Evangelion pilot.”  
Rei nodded. “Anywhere can be paradise, Shinji. That’s what I tell myself whenever I fuck your dad.”  
“It’s doesn’t need to be The Second Child. Anyone in this room would fuck you,” said Gendo.  
“That’s true, Shinji,” called Misato in the other room. Pen Pen chirped in agreement.  
“Fuck you, Shinji,” said Asuka.  
“You can’t make me do it! I won’t do it! I won’t!”  
Suddenly the room exploded in a shower of orange, shining green crosses floating to the sky.  
“Shinji honey, please don’t initiate Third Impact in the living room, you’ll get LCL all over the carpet,” Misato called out. Pen Pen chirped in agreement.  
“Is this what you wanted, father! Is this what you wanted!”  
Gendo took off his glasses. A single tear rolled down his cheek. “Forgive me, Shinji. Give your mother my love.” The top half of his body exploded in a blast of red.  
Shinji stood on the walkway facing Unit 01, it’s body submerged in LCL up to it’s head.  
“Why won’t you get in the Eva, Shinji?” Rei Ayanami was standing on one end of the walkway, dressed in her school uniform.  
“It’s A.T. field won’t work. It’s no good to me anymore.”  
A second, identical Rei Ayanami stood on the other end of the walkway. “Why do you always insist on returning the things that that you’ve asked for”  
“I never get what I what.”  
Shinji stared at the idle head of Unit-01. “What does it feel like. To be a thing.”  
“It is a life that isn’t yours. A life filled with pain.”  
“Then I suppose that we are both things.”  
A Rei teared up. “I thought that you were different, Shinji. I thought you understood.”  
Shinji took her hand. “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to her. You and I are the same.”  
“We aren’t the same, Shinji. You only want to dress up like a doll. You could have stopped all of this.”  
Suddenly, the hand of Unit-01 grabbed Rei and put her in it’s mouth. Its jaw came down with a sickening crunch, spattering blood and parts all around.  
“Rei! No!”  
Unit-01 let out a might roar, golden wings sprouting from its back. Debris and bodies fell all about. There was screaming.  
“You were supposed to protect me! You were supposed to protect me!”  
“I tried, Shinji.”  
Misato was lying there, bleeding out, on the floor of a darkened NERV hallway. “I tried to get in the Eva. Ritsko said I failed the sync test.”  
“It’s ok, Miss Misato.” Shinji kneeled by Misato’s side. “I’m sorry I caused you so much paperwork.”  
“It’s ok.” Blood shot out of Misato’s mouth, covering half of her silver cross. “They’re grown-ups. They can handle dying.”  
“You’re not a grown-up”  
“Then you’re hardly even a person.” Caressing his cheek, she smiled. “But it’s ok. Someday you’ll be a major at NERV. Then you’ll get to wear the jacket, and drink all the beer you want.”  
“I’m not really thirsty.”  
“Just don’t forget to feed Pen-Pen, ok?”  
Shinji touched the bloody cross around his neck. “Are you enjoying your vacation?”  
Suddenly, Misato teared up. “He missed our flight, Shinji. We bought those tickets eight years ago, and he missed it. Now I’m all alone. I’m all alone, Shinji. I’m all alone!” The air was filled with Misato’s scream, and Shinji was alone, sitting in that dark hallway as the screams around him multiplied. In the corner sat the skeleton of a medium-sized bird, with a silver collar around it’s neck. The screaming continued.  
“Shinji…. how could you Shinji...” Asuka was lying naked in a bathtub of an abandoned house, her skin gaunt, her gaze unresponsive.  
“I’m sorry Asuka. I’m sorry for what I did at the hospital, I’m sorry for hiding and letting you die, I’m sorry for choking you, and choking you again, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”  
Asuka lept up with the unnatural speed of a movie monster “That’s not what I’m talking about!” She screamed.  
“Stop Yelling at me!”  
She launched forward, grabbing his neck, chocking him. Shinji found it hard to breath. Asuka’s face was filled with determination, her one good eye glaring at him. Her arms were shaking, and a red blotch started to appear on the bandage on her right arm. Suddenly, there was sand in his hands, and air in the air. Shinji was awake. He stopped his meager struggling and avoided Asuka’s gaze. In a few moments, her expression turned from one of determination to one of concerned confusion. She let go and sat down next to him, taking a few harsh breaths.  
“It’s ok, Asuka.” Shinji lay still, his wet hair hiding his eyes completely. “You can do it. I deserve it. I don’t deserve to be here.”  
She gritted her teeth. “I don’t actually want to kill you, you stupid idiot!” She took a few more breaths. “Look, we’re even now, ok? You choked me, I chocked you, you…..well, the important thing is we’re even. So cheer up now, ok? Cuz I…I don’t want to deal with this anymore! It’s annoying! Stop being annoying!”  
“No, Asuka, no. We’re not even. We can never be even!” Suddenly he became animated, leaping up from the ground and running towards a small cliff side. “Do you see that?” He pointed at the towering half-head of Rei Ayanami. “I did THAT! I did all of this! I killed the world, Asuka! I killed everyone! I killed father! I killed Miss Misato! I killed you! I don’t deserve to be ok! I don’t deserve anything!” He dropped to the ground and held his face in his hands, sobbing.  
Asuka went to stand besides him, her hand on her chin, deep in thought. “Look, you feel bad because you think you’re a bad person, right? You want to be a good person. Well,if you want to be a good person, here’s your chance. I’m the only one around for you to be a good person. And it would…it would make me feel good if you stopped your whining. It’s what a good person would do. So cheer up, ok?  
Shinji nodded “I guess that makes sense.” Asuka sat down besides him, both of them now facing the towering head of Ayanami.  
“I guess she really was wondergirl, huh.”  
“Asuka, I’m sorry. I wish there was someone else here for you.”  
“I said stop apologizing, idiot! I’m not going to tell you again! I knew you were here and I know what you did and I still decided to grace you with my presence."  
Shinji blushed. “Wait, you know…everything I did?”  
“Yeah dummy. Remember, we saw into each others minds. I know all your dirty little secrets.”  
“Oh yeah, that’s right.” He nodded. “And I know all your secrets too.”  
She hit him over the head. “Don’t think about my secrets! Anyway, I know all about you and I still decided to hang out besides you. That should be enough.”  
Shinji’s whole expression seemed lighter. “Yeah, I guess it is.”  
A pleasant wind swept through their hair. They continued to sit there, Ayanami’s gaze unflinching.  
“Asuka, do you think I’m a good person?”  
She let out a loud, cruel laugh.“Look, stop worrying about good people and bad people. A ‘good person’ is just something a loser calls himself so that he feels better about being a dumb loser. That doesn’t matter anymore, anyway. There’s only two people. There’s just us. There’s only Asuka and Shinji, and we’re going to be queen and king of the world.” Asuka smiled. Shinji smiled too.  
They continued to sit there for a long while.


	3. Tower of Babel

The morning sky was surprising familiar: idyllic blue, with just the thinnest wisps of clouds in the sky, one red ring away from looking like the perfect summer day. Even the blood sea and broken buildings looked less foreboding in the yellow sun. A cold wind blew through Asuka’s matted, sand-filled hair, making her shiver. She rubbed her back and grimaced, squinting her good eye at the ever-idle head of Ayanami.  
“I’m getting real sick of you, Wonderhead.  
Asuka reached besides her, finding Shinji gone, replaced a fruit pie, still in the wrapper. She tore off the wrapper and scarfed it down in a couple seconds, looking confused as she finished.Turning around, she looked behind her and saw Shinji in the far distance, almost out of sight. He waved enthusiastically. Asuka took a look at her surroundings and began to walk towards the only thing there was to walk towards.  
“Good morning Asuka. did you have a good sleep?” Shinji was chipper.  
Asuka looked over at the miserable cliff-side that served as her bed. “Do you always sleep like this?”  
“Hm?”  
“In the dirt. Like a pig.”  
“Oh well, not always. I do like to sleep outside. I find the fresh air peaceful.”  
“Right. Peaceful.” Asuka eye was lingering on the towering corpse of one of the monsters that had mutilated and killed her.  
“Plus I sometimes like to stay outside in case somebody comes back. And somebody finally did!” He smiled.  
“Wait, what does ‘not always’ mean?”  
“What?”.  
“A building, Shinji! Like a house or something! Where do you go if it’s not outside!”  
“Oh yeah. There’s a building right over there, I was just-”  
“Well hurry up and take me there, Idiot! I can’t believe that you’d let me stay out here in the cold!”  
“Yeah. Ok.” Shinji’s frowned.  
They started walking. Asuka looked over every piece of uneven ground they passed, looking for anything of interest and seeing nothing but dirt. “What do you do, Shinji.”  
“What?”  
“With your life. You’ve been here six months right? What did you do with them?  
“Oh. Well, I mostly I dig.”  
“You dig.”  
“Yeah. You find a lot of interesting stuff when you dig. A lot of things got buried during the….there’s a lot of stuff down there. A lot more than on ground. That’s where I found that fruit pie I gave you.”  
“Cool. Dirt pie.” Shinji looked back at Asuka. Her eye was focused on the unchanging scenery. “So is that how you get all your food? You dig?”  
“Yeah. Although, I don’t really get hungry anymore.”  
“What?”  
“Yeah. I have a theory that because we’re so close to a massive amount of LCL we’re able to absorb nutrients through the air? But. Who knows. I’m not complaining.”  
“It’s convenient. I guess.” Asuka thought back to how quickly she ate her fruit pie.  
They continue walking. The ground around them did not change. Asuka looked out into the ocean, seeing a half-submerged skyscraper. “Have you been In that building, Shinji?”  
“Oh no, I haven’t left the island. I uhhh….I mean I don’t have a boat or anything.”  
“It doesn’t look that far. Could probably swim it.”  
“I uhhh….can’t swim”  
Asuka laughed. “Idiot Shinji, can’t even swim. Why am I not surprised.” She looked out into the blood sea. “Trapped in an island with Idiot Shinji.”  
“It’s ‘on’ an island, actually.”  
“You think I don’t know that, idiot! Shut up! It’s your fault I said that, anyway!”  
“What? How is it my fault?”  
“You turned me into orange juice! My brain’s probably not working right! It could have permanent damage thanks to you.”  
“I think you’ll be fine. My brain feels fine.” He trailed off. “At least your not dead.”  
“What is that supposed to mean?”  
“It’s just that, you know, you were dead, technically.”  
Asuka had somehow gotten louder. “What, do you want me to thank you? For turning me into orange juice? For everything you did? You’re the one who abandoned me to fight nine of those things alone! And that is not even the worst thing you did to me that day! It’s not even top three! Not even close!”  
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” They continue walking a while. “What was the third thing?”  
“What?”  
“It’s just, I know what two of the things are…you know what, nevermind. Just forget it.”  
“Yeah. I think that’s best.” She scoffed. “Idiot.”  
They walked in silence for a while, the only sound being Asuka’s breathing. Shinji looked back. “Hey Asuka umm…did you mean what you said last night?”  
“I mean everything I say, Idiot.”  
“So you really…feel…like we’re even now?”  
“What? Of course not! There’s no way that we could ever be ‘even’!”  
“It’s just, you said that we were.”  
“I only said that so you’d stop being such an annoying idiot! And I wish I hadn’t, because now you’re being even more of an annoying idiot!”  
“What do you want from me, Asuka?”  
“Stop being so annoying, idiot!”  
“Well can you stop calling me idiot!” Shinji yelled back.  
“I’ll stop when you stop being such an idiot!”  
“At least think of a different word! Or is your ‘orange juice brain’ too stupid to think of one?”  
“Fuck you, Shinji!! I wouldn’t have orange juice anything if it wasn’t for you! I’d still have a life if it wasn’t for you!”  
“Well maybe I’d still have a life if you weren’t such a fucking bitch!”  
Shinji turned around and stopped. They glared at each other, hands clenched, hearts racing. Neither one blinked, neither one made a move. The air was still, as if in awe of the moment.  
It was a long while before Shinji looked down at the ground. “Is this what you want, Asuka? Is this why you came back?” His voice had lost it’s aggression. “I don’t think you’d come back just to fight with me.And I know I don’t want to fight with you."  
“Well you had a dumb way of showing it.” She was rubbing her neck. Her voice had lost some of its roughness.  
Shinji opened and closed his hand. “I’m sorry.”  
Asuka grunted. “Whatever. I’m cold. Let’s go.” 

They continued, but hadn’t gotten very far. Asuka’s legs were already running out of strength.  
“What did you want to be Shinji?”  
Shinji blushed. “What? What do you mean?”  
“When you grew up, weirdo. Like as a job.”  
“Oh.” He was silent for a moment. “Shouldn’t you know that, already? I thought you knew all my secrets.”  
“Well, I didn’t like, download your whole brain. I just kept some of the interesting stuff. You were there, why the hell am I explaining this to you.”  
“Oh yeah, I guess that’s right.” He kept walking.  
“Well? What did you want to be?”  
“Why do you want to know so badly?” He sounded defensive.  
“I’m just trying to make conversation with you, idiot! I thought is was the type of thing you wanted!”  
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” He was quiet for a second. “ I guess the thing is, I never really knew what I wanted to be.”  
“Whatever. Don’t tell me.”  
“I mean it, Asuka! I didn’t. It always seemed like such a big decision, I guess it just scared me. I didn’t want to pick.”  
Asuka scoffed. “How am I not surprised. Poor little idiot Shinji can’t make one decision for himself. Probably waiting for someone to tell him what to do, like he does with everything.”  
“Do you see what happened the last time I made a decision!” He had turned out to meet Asuka’s surprised gaze, his yell echoing through the empty hellscape. He looked down, Shaking. “Sorry.” They kept walking.  
“I guess the thing is.” Shinji’s voice started to crack. “I never really thought I’d live very long. It’s hard to describe. I don’t know, maybe it’s an effect of like, living in a wake of second impact, but I’ve always felt like I was going to die young, maybe as a teenager. So I never needed to make a decision like that. There was no point. I don’t know. Maybe that’s dumb.”  
The head of Ayanami did not seemed to have decrease in size since they had begun walking. 

Asuka’s feet had begun to ache unbearably underneath the her thin layer of plug suit. The chill wind had changed directions and kept blowing The Stench into her nose.  
“Ok, I’ve thought of something. I mean, it’s not really a job, but, you know, I think that I’d really like to be a dad. Like a stay-at-home mom, but a dad instead. You know, stay home, take care off the kids, cook a dinner every night…I don’t know, I think it’d be really nice. I think I’d be good at it.”  
Asuka gave no response.  
“What about you, Asuka?”  
“I never wanted kids.” Her voice sounded distance.  
“Oh.” He kept walking. “I meant what did you want to be?”  
“Doesn’t matter. It was a stupid question.”  
“What?”  
“It doesn’t matter, you stupid idiot!” She dropped to the ground. “I’m never going to grow up! I’m never going to get a job! I’m never going to drive a car, or get married! I’m never going to watch tv again! I don’t know if I’m even gonna eat again! All I have is this stupid scary empty world and Idiot Shinji!”She held her head to her knees and wept.  
Shinji stood besides her, opening and closing his hand a few times. He sat down. “I’m sorry, Asuka.”  
“Shut up! I don’t care!”  
“I just mean, I know how you feel. It was hard for me at first too. I still don’t think I’m entirely used to it.”  
“I don’t want to get used to it! I want to go home!” Tears flowed from Asuka’s one eye with the efficiency of two.  
Shinji held his hand over her for a moment, then rubbed her shoulder. “Something I do, sometimes, when I get like this, is, I think about Miss Misato, how she―OWW”  
“I don’t want to hear about your jerk-off fantasies,pervert!”  
“I don’t jerk-off to Miss Misato!” He collected himself. “What I was going to say is, I think about how she felt, being there at The Second Impact, having seen those terrible things and then being all alone in a messed-up world she didn’t recognize. She was around our age, I think. But she got through it, eventually. A lot of people got through those awful times. So I think that, maybe, we can get through this too.”  
“I shouldn’t have to get through anything else.” Asuka was quiet for a long while. “I didn’t think she got her scar at the actual Second Impact. I just figured she got it in like, a flood or something.”  
“She was the sole survivor. Didn’t you see into her mind, too?”  
“I don’t care about her stupid mind.”  
Shinji smiled.  
He stood up. “You want to get going, Asuka? I think you might feel better if you get out of the cold.” He held out his hand. Asuka started to get up on her own and tripped halfway through, grabbing his arm to steady herself. Shinji put her arm on his shoulder and they started.  
“I can walk by myself, you know.”  
“You want me to let go?”  
“It’s fine. Whatever. Idiot.” 

Asuka woke up, rubbing her back that had just been laid against a large rock. The sun was shining, a little halfway through the sky. “Stupid useless body.” Asuka looked forward and saw that she had reached her apparent destination. Before her stood a fragment of a skyscraper, consisting of almost it’s entire top two stories, sticking out of the shallow portion of ocean that began roughly twenty feel in front of her. It’s walls were filled with cracks and craters, almost enough that it would seem to compromise the integrity of the building. A cracked opening, big enough that most adults could couch and a get through it, existed around roughly where one of the windows used to me, and a bridge, consisting of 5 or 6 loosely stacked poles, starting about halfway between Asuka and the building.  
“Asuka!’ Shinji was running towards her form her right side, appearing to have begun almost out of her site.  
Asuka leapt up and ran her hand through her hair a few times, noticing how disgusting it had become.  
“You feeling better, Asuka?” Shinji had stopped a few feet from her, taking deep breaths. “I was like that too, at first. Getting really tired and then going back to normal out of nowhere. I think you’re body just isn’t used to uhh, being a body again. It should go away after a few days. I think.”  
“So that’s it.That’s your home” She hadn’t taken her eye off the building.  
“I don’t really think of it like that, but yes, it’s the only building I’ve been able to―wait, Asuka, be careful!”  
She had starting advanced on the makeshift walkway, alternating her balance on different logs as she advanced. “If a clumsy idiot like you can handle going up here, than someone as graceful as I―”  
“No, Asuka, there’s a trick to it.” He went up after her. “You have to―no not like that”  
“Not like what?” She ignored him, continuing up, the poles creaking a bit from the weight.  
“No you have to, you have to sorta of do a, like a―Asuka!”  
“Do a what?”  
“Just come down, I’ll show you!”  
“I’m doing fine.”  
“No, Asuka, come on, you’re gonna fall, Asuka!” She felt Shinji hand tightly grasp hers, and blushed. “Just come back do―”  
“Don’t touch me you AHHH” her kick tipped them both over the left side of the ramp and they fell atop each other in the shallow water. “Why you stupid―” 

“See, that’s how you do it.” Shinji crawled out of the broken opening, holding out his hand for Asuka. It had been 20 minutes since they fell, about fifteen of which were spent arguing.  
Asuka slapped his hand away and stood up herself. “You could have said that, idiot.” Her plugsuit had lost almost all of it’s shine, at this point almost being more black than red.  
Asuka looked around. They were in what used to be an apartment. Although it still maintained it’s separation as a single unit, all other walls were demolished, with only occasion fragments from the top or bottom remaining. The room was filled with various odd objects: a few shovels by their entrance, pots and pans of many sizes, rags and towels,an occasional chair or cushion positioned so that it was clear that it was not in immediate use, Asuka even spied a pair of advanced binoculars like Misato had, stacked on a pile of lumber. Many things had clearly been broken: there was a stack of plates where none seemed to be not missing a few chunks, and the lumbar was all different shadings and cut at awkward and violent angels. Despite all this, the room felt oddly clean: there was clearly a level of organization going on, and there was shockingly little dirt or dust or frivolous debris. But what Asuka had first noticed was how familiar the room felt to her. She gasped. “Shinji, is this…”  
“It’s not. Miss Misato told me once that much of Tokyo-3 was built as a single unit during a short period of time. So, a lot of the buildings have similar designs.” There were a lot of emotions in Shinji’s words, and none of them were pleasant. “Besides I think…the battle disintegrated what was left of the city. Our home is gone, Asuka.” She nodded and frowned. They were quiet for several moments.  
“So uh,” Shinji composed himself, “this is sorta like, my storage room. I keep anything that I might find useful in here. Figured it made sense to put it right by the entrance. I have all sorts of stuff, tools, furniture, containers for stuff―Oh!” he ran to one corner of the room and retrieved a water bottle, clear but thick with pink fragments. “Here. Drink this. You’re probably thirsty, right? I uhh, rigged a little water purifier. You pour it through a couple different things…anyway, it doesn’t look great, but it’s a lot better than what’s out there. Just give the bottle back to me, cuz uhh” Asuka pushed the now-empty bottle into Shinji’s chest.  
“So what all you got here, Shinji.” She was eyeing the various piles on display.  
“Oh well, see I have some shovels, and over here―”  
“Not in your junk room, idiot! I meant the building! Did people use to live here? Are there beds? Are there clothes I can wear.”  
“Oh, Yeah, there’s all that stuff here. We got lucky, three of them used to have people.” Shinji stepped over a foot-high remain of a wall.  
Asuka rolled here eye at the word “lucky.” “That is a lot for a Tokyo-3 apartment. You sure this place was in Tokyo-3 right?”  
“Pretty sure…” He spoke quietly and with dread.  
They stepped outside, into an exact replica of the hallway of their old apartment building. It smelled like wet dirt. On the wall to their left was completely cracked from top to bottom, stretching as far as a foot long in the middle. There was a large pillow sitting by the side of the crack. “I like hanging out there, in the evening. The light of the sun comes out just right, so I can sit and read or whatever.”  
“Oh, you have books?”  
“I have a book.” Asuka started walking towards the crack, presumably to the one doorway in that direction that had been broken open. “There’s nothing in there, Asuka. That’s one of the empty ones.” Asuka ignored him, entering the broken doorway. Shinji stood where he was. After about two-and-a-half minutes, she came out. “Told you.”  
“Don’t sound so suspicious next time!”  
“I wasn’t being….whatever.” They started walking together. “So, these next two are empty. You can check them, if you must.” He gave her a look. She did not seem to notice. “But this next one, people used to live here. And the door was open, so we can actually use the manual locks.”  
“Cool. That’ll be my place. Move your stuff out.”  
“That’s not my place. I’ve only been in there once.”  
Asuka raised her eyebrow. “Why?”  
Shinji sighed and opened the door. They walked into another apartment that was an exact copy of their former home. The walls had held up relatively well: they were walls with holes instead of air with walls. They walked into the kitchen. “Careful Asuka, there’s broken glass.” The tiled floor, much of it stained brown, was littered with broken glass and chipped bits of laminated wood, the remains of tables and chairs. But Asuka’s gaze was focused on the ceiling, where there was a deep-crimson stain in the shape of a human body. “I didn’t know LCL got that dark.”  
“I don’t think that’s LCL,” said Shinji. Asuka stood there for a few seconds, as if deep in thought, and then turned around. “I get it, Asuka. This place gives me the creeps, too. I’m sorry that this had to―” Shinji turned around to find her fishing out a pair of black men’s shoes out of a messy pile by the entrance. “I don’t think those will fit you.”  
“It’s not like I’m going dancing, idiot! I just need to get around my home!” She pushed past him, flopping in her new shoes.  
“Welcome home, Asuka.” He said under his breath.  
Asuka explored the rest of the rooms, with Shinji close behind. The living room was especially a mess, filled with stuffing and broken wood and a bunch of glass from a broken tv. Misato’s old room came next: it appeared to be the room of a married couple, and it was in pretty good shape. Asuka eagerly plopped on their bed for a second, not minding the cloud of dust that appeared when she did it but rapidly got up when she remembered how filthy she was. Asuka’s old room was pretty messed up, the walls were lined with baseball posters and the floor was littered with broken model airplanes. Asuka asked if Shinji had found any clothes for himself here, and Shinji said no, while his eyes were focused on another crimson outline on the ceiling, roughly half the size of the previous one. Shinji’s old room had walls with flowers painted on them. There was only a little broken wood on the ground, and a lot of stuffed animals, mostly intact. The ceiling wore another crimson outline, roughly the size and shape of a watermelon.  
“I think I’m going to wait outside, Asuka.”  
“Ok.” She nonchalantly walked pasted him and began to investigate the closet of the her old room.

Shinji sat in an almost-empty room, his mind filled with flashes: a headless body, the twisted corpse of a monster, an explosion of red with green lights, endless red, endless red, endless red, a round red stain on a ceiling, a face filled with hurt and confusion and fear and undeserved sympathy with tears falling on it’s face, endless red,  
“There you are, idiot.” Asuka had just walked in, the new shoes still on here feet, her plugsuit replaced with a men’s white dress shirt, large enough that he almost couldn’t see the gym shorts underneath.  
“Hi Asuka.” He squinted at her. “Is that all you could find?”  
“Shut up! This is just until I can get cleaned up.” Her hair was still a matted mess, and her legs were rough with dirt.  
“You have a nice tour?”  
“Tour’s not over yet. This where you sleep? It’s nice. You actually have real walls.  
“Yeah, I got real lucky.” He stood up. There was nothing in the kitchen besides a pillow and blanket on the floor, about halfway between the two of them. “There’s not really anything else in here. No need to look around”  
“You blew up everything else, idiot. I’m gonna look around.”  
“Whatever.” He face was still for a few moments, before appearing to have a revelation. “Wait, Asuka, don’t―”  
Shinji found Asuka staring at a large drawing in the living room, done on the wall before Misato’s old room. It was drawn of mostly-black marks,almost looking like it had been done with coal. It was clearly done by memory, without any models: the proportions were off, and the faces all had a similar sort of shape. But Asuka could still tell who everyone was: the boy in the track suit was Toji, the girl with pigtails was Hikari, the kid with classes was Kensuke, Misato’s hair and jacket were unmistakable,next to her stood Kaji, the woman in the lab coat seemed to be Ritsko. The girl with the red hair and a bright smile was Asuka, of course. Everyone seemed to be there, even a few of the NERV bridge staff in the back, even Pen-Pen. In the front was Shinji and Asuka and all their friends, making poses, and in the back were the adults.  
Shinji stood beside Asuka, both of them admiring it. She hit him on the arm. “Ow! What was that for?”  
“You made my boobs too small, I look like a boy! You did get my face right though. I look very pretty, at least. Like a very pretty boy.” She kept looking. “Didn’t feel like putting The First on here, Huh? I guess we do get to look at her whenever we want.”  
“ No, she’s there.” Shinji pointed to an rough circle of hair near the back, almost indistinguishable from Shinji’s own head.  
“Why is she back there?”  
“I wanted it to be like a real picture, like someone had actually took it. I figured she wouldn’t like taking photographs. She’d try to stay as far in the back as she could.”  
Asuka gave a genuine smile. “Is that why Misato looks so uncomfortable?”  
“I figured Mr. Kaji would probably have just said something rude to her.”  
Asuka laughed. The continued to stand there for a long while, admiring it, sometimes smiling wistfully, sometimes their eyes lingering long on a particular spot.  
“What do you call it?”  
“I don’t know if I titled it, exactly. I mean, there is something I think of when I see it, but, I don’t know,”  
“What is it, Shinji?”  
“...I Want To See Them Again.”  
Asuka nodded with a sad smile. “Well, it’s not terrible. You should keep it up.”  
“Thanks.” He voice had started shaking. “You know I―” He turned and found her gone. “Asuka?” She was sticking her head into her old room. “Asuka I told you, there’s nothing in here, c’mon, let’s just go.”  
“You’re sounding suspicious again, Shinji. What other cool things are you hiding from me?” Asuka opened the door to Shinji’s old room, finding it almost completely empty. There was a medium amount of debris on the floor, directly below a cracked hole in the ceiling that was about two feet thick. Across the hole ran a single board of wood, from which hung a noose. Askua looked in the room and I’m gonna be an Eva pilot Mommy I was chosen I’m gonna be an Eva pilot and protect the world it’s a secret but I can tell you Mommy everyone’s so nice to me so we won’t be lonely it doesn’t even matter that Daddy’s not here we won’t be lonely did you hear me Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy  
“Asuka! Are you ok? Asuka!”  
Asuka was laying on the ground, panting, shaking, both her hands grasped around the noose, the floorboard it was tied upon broken in pieces.  
“Asuka, I’m sorry, I’m ok now, I’m not going to do it, I probably wasn’t going to do it before, anyway, but I’m not now,It’s ok, I’m ok, now that you’re--”  
Asuka slapped his face with full force, leaving a deep imprint. She pointed her finger at him, staring with a furious expression, panting. Shinji looked back meekly. After a few moments she stormed off, shaking her hand in the air as she did. 

It had been a whole afternoon since Asuka stormed off. Shinji sat in the corner of the hallway, reading by violet light of the sunset coming in through the crack in the wall. His manga was in rough condition, the ink having been blurred and pages having been enlarged from former wetness, but it was still legible. Shinji stretched his hands above his head, finding Asuka walking towards him. She appeared to have cleaned up a bit, her hair wet, her skin unmarked, her body adorned with a white dress with blue flowers on it.  
She stood in front of them. They looked at each other a few seconds, Shinji opening and closing his hand. “Asuka, I―”  
“What, you’re not even going to tell me I look pretty?”  
“You look very nice, Asuka.” He gave a slight smile. “Glad you’re ok.”  
She smiled and nodded. “Those people had a lot of nice things.” She was swaying back and forth, looking down, admiring herself. “They had a Sega Revelation, those had just come out. It was broken, of course. Not like we’d be able to play it. And hey! That kid, it looked like he used to play cello, just like you.”  
Shinji’s eyes got wide “Do we have one? An actual working cello?”  
Asuka smiled. “I thought you didn’t actually like playing that, Shinji. I thought you were just doing what you were told.”  
He was quiet for a second. “It didn’t feel like I liked it at the time. I miss it now though. I miss a lot of things I wouldn’t have expected.”  
“Yeah.” She sat down a few feet from him. “Well, unfortunately,it broke into tiny pieces. It’s too bad.I would have liked to hear music again. Even if it was by Idiot Shinji.”  
“You’ll hear music again, Asuka.” Their eyes met for a few moments.  
Asuka looked down. “That a good book?”  
“It was good the first couple times. It’s part of a series though, so it’s just part of the middle of a story. I’ll probably never find out how it ends, or even how it all started.” He held it out to her. “You want to read it?”  
“Sure.”  
Shinji got up and patted the pillow at his feet. “The light’s best here. We’ll switch places.” They did.  
Asuka opened the book and started reading, her mind lost in it. Shinji sat besides her, a calm smile on his face. It was like this for a while.  
And then he turned to her. “Hey, Asuka?”  
“Hm?” Asuka turned to him, her crystal-blue eyes sparkling in the fading sunlight, a curl of her hair gently brushed against her warm cheek.  
“Uh. Nothing. Nevermind.”  
“Whatever. Idiot.”


	4. Kimochi Warui

Asuka was wearing a yellow sundress and dangling her legs off the edge of an aircraft carrier.  
“I’m sorry I missed the party.” Kaji was watering a patch of watermelons behind her.  
“It was lame anyway.I left early.”  
“You meet a boy?”  
“Something like that.” She stopped dangling and turned around. “Do you think I’m a slut, Mr. Kaji?”  
“You chose to have a body and you chose to have a mind. You have to live with what you do. Other people don’t matter as much.” He smiled. “Besides, you think no one ever called me and Katsuragi sluts?”  
“Heeeeeeeey.” Misato was sitting crosslegged on the floor, beer in hand, wearing jean shots and a shirt deep with stains, looking closer to brown than it’s original yellow. “Are you guyes talking about Shinji? I just loooooove Shinji. He’s such a good cook, he knows just how to Beep Boop Boop.” She was miming pushing buttons on a microwave.  
Kaji picked up Misato, so that she was riding on his back. “Think I need to get this one home. You should be getting to school soon, young lady.”  
“I graduated, Mr. Kaji.” In the distance stood the giant head of Rei Ayanami.  
Kaji began to walk away, with Misato on his back. “Don’t think that shirt fits you anymore, Miss Katsuragi.”  
“Heeeeeeey, do you think Shiinji likes me?”  
Shinji was laying there, inches from Asuka, his face calm. Asuka felt the tiles on her hands and air on her air and knew that she was home. She smiled with a great sense of peace, but her face gradually grew a vague sense of confusion, and then fear.  
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!!” Asuka gave a piercing scream, lept up, and kicked Shinji hard in the gut.  
Shinji leaned up on a mattress and squinted. “Asuka? What’s going on? What’s wrong?”  
“Shut up! Pervert!” She was shaking, her voice loud and shrill. “You’re disgusting! What, were you jerking-off to me again? Huh? Were you?”  
Shinji squinted. “I just woke up, Asuka.”  
“Fuck you, Shinji! You can’t just crawl up next to me while I’m sleeping! What is wrong with you?”  
Shinji looked around, squinting at a kitchen with intact walls. “Asuka, isn’t this my place?”  
“Oh, so you picked me up and carried me all the way here? Is that supposed to make it better? Fuck you, Shinji! You’re disgusting!”  
“You have locks, Asuka! You were probably just sleepwalking again.”  
“I do not sleepwalk!” She looked around rapidly, a look of horror on her face. “Fuck you, Shinji!” She stormed off, leaving behind a trail of red footprints.

Bandages peaked over the top of Asuka’s overlarge shoes as she stomped through the white sand. Her strength seemed to have come back since yesterday: she had managed to walk at a brisk pace for over an hour. In fact, she noticed that she had come to the same bed of sand that Shinji and her had slept the night previous, having reached it far quicker than the previous day. She stopped, taking a breath, looking around as if to find the reason she had come here. Her good eye came to meet the massive eye of Ayanami.  
“Hey! You stupid head! Yeah, you! You used to be God, right? You knew everything? So tell me something. Why do I still feel like this? After all he’s done?”  
Rei Ayanami did not respond.  
“He hurt me! He tried to kill me! Multiple times! He destroyed the whole entire world! He did that awful, terrible, disgusting thing to me! He’s evil! Evil!”  
“...”  
“I wish he was evil. He’d be less evil if he actually was evil! It would be easier. But he was to have all these awful little crumbs of goodness. I hate him!”  
“...”  
“I wish I could hate him. I’d hate him less if I could hate him. Tell me, you stupid head! Why can’t I hate him!”  
“...”  
“I did see a lot about him. Basically all of him. All the important parts, at least. Maybe I just know him too well to hate him.”  
“...”  
“No, that’s not true. Shinji knows everything about being Shinji, and he still hates himself. Shinji might be the only person in the world who hates Shinji more than me.”  
“...”  
“He is himself. That makes him more biased than anybody. Maybe people can’t ever really know all the parts of themselves. There will always be something that belongs to others.”  
“...”  
“Ugh, why am I getting philosophical with you, you stupid head? And about Idiot Shinji, of all things!”  
“...”  
“Look, I’m not the moron who let Idiot Shinji control the fate of all life, ok. What the hell were you thinking?”  
“...”  
“I mean, I guess I don’t know what I would’ve done. It would’ve been better than turning the whole world into orange juice, I’ll tell you that much.”  
“...”  
“Ok, look, even if we forget that. If we somehow forget the he destroyed the entire world. You know what he did to me! That awful, disgusting thing! Anyone would have hated him for that!”  
“...”  
“Why can’t I hate him for that?”  
“...”  
“I mean, I kissed him! We could’ve…he didn’t have to do it like that! In the worst way possible. Like he doesn’t even think I’m a person!”  
“...”  
“Shut up! He wasn’t always like that! I know he wasn’t! He was…nice.”  
“...”  
“And he was nice to me. He didn’t have to be. I was so mean to him. But he stayed nice for so long.”  
“...”  
“But of course it’s more than that! He used to be good! You know that better than anyone! You gave him the whole world, you don’t get to say that he wasn’t! He was good. But he was so scared. And so sad.”  
“...”  
“I’m not saying that! But he’s more than that. You know he is. ”  
“...”  
“ He did that to me! Me! So I get to decide what to do about it! No one else!”  
“...”  
“It’s my life. I should do whatever I want with it. So if I want to…I should do what I want with it. And that’s what it’s important.”  
“...”  
“You’re right. Thanks for the good talk.”  
“...”  
“I’m sorry that you died.”

“Shinji, what the hell are you doing ?”  
Shinji was curled up next to the open door of Asuka’s apartment, his eyes glued to the ground.  
“Don’t lurk around the open door of girl’s homes! It’s creepy. I makes me wonder what―” Asuka stepped into her home, and was instantly taken aback. The mess of debris that had piled up around the entrance was gone. She walked into her kitchen and the difference was even more immediate. All the broken wood and broken glass was gone, and it even looked like the brown stain on the floor had faded a bit, beneath barely-noticeable red marks. “Shinji, did you―”  
“I’m sorry Asuka. I really don’t want to get in your space. But I had to clean up .” His voice was cracking, and his gaze hadn’t left the ground. “You might’ve hurt yourself again if I didn’t”  
Asuka was quiet for a moment, looking at the curled-up boy at her feet. “Are you ok, Shinji.”  
“I don’t like it in there. It’s different than outside. It’s real people”  
“You said you didn’t think that wasn’t LCL. Doesn’t that mean―”  
“Think about it, Asuku!” He lept up, meeting her gaze. “Only two things are big enough to cause something like this. Either I did this, or I failed to stop it.” He looked down again. “I’m sorry.”  
Asuka watched as he walked away.

Shinji was in the corner, book open, red sunlight coming in through the crack on the wall. He had been looking at the same page for five minutes.  
“Shiiiiiinji.” Asuka was walking towards him, wearing a red dress, bandages visible through a pair of sandles that seemed to be only one size too big for her. “Are you reading that dumb book again? Don’t you get bored of it?”  
“Everything’s boring now.” He didn’t look up.  
She knelt down besides him, looking straight ahead. They were quiet for a few moments. “I wanted to be the Bundeskanzler.”  
Shinji look up. “What’s a….Bunder―”  
“Like the Prime Minister. Of Germany. It’s what I wanted to be.”  
He smiled. “Oh. Like when you grew up.”  
“Yepp! I wanted to be the greatest Eva pilot in the world at first, of course. But after I saved the world I figured I could become the Bundeskanzler. I would be a world-famous hero at this point, so I’m sure I could get the votes and everything. I think it’d be fun, running a whole country. I just know I’d be great at it.”  
Shinji nodded. “Why I am not surprised.”  
Her voice got quieter. “It’s too bad I couldn’t do it.”  
Shinji nodded sympathetically and looked at her. “Yeah. But you got to be an Eva pilot, at least. You got to do that part.”  
“Yeah, but I wasn’t the best. I couldn’t be the best out of only three people.”  
“That’s not true Asuka. You were the best pilot. Rei was great, but you were way better than her.”  
Asuka looked at him, frowning.  
“What?”  
“Don’t be modest, idiot. It just makes it more embarrassing.”  
“Me? No way was I the best Eva pilot. I didn’t even want to get in that thing!”  
“I said stop being modest, idiot! There were two separate angels that you beat that took me out right away. How can you say you’re not the best?”  
“Asuka, that wasn’t me. Every time Unit-01 did something really impressive, that was Mom, or the dummy plug. When I was in charge, it was a mess.”  
“Right. Sure.”  
“Now that I think of it, probably the most impressive thing I ever did was when we synced-up to beat the double angel. And you were there for that! You did that too!”  
“Your sync rate never dropped to almost nothing. You never got in the Eva and couldn’t even make it turn on.”  
“That was mom! I didn’t have like, a talent for it or anything. I mean, look, I saw you fight those mass-produced Eva’s. You were amazing! I never did anything like that. I don’t even think mom did anything like that. You were incredible.”  
She looked down. “I lost that fight, though.”  
“If anyone could have won it, it would’ve been you. I couldn’t have done that well. I doubt Rei and I together could’ve done that well.”  
She looked up, smiling. “You mean it?”  
“I mean it. Asuka Langley Soryu, you are the greatest Evangelion pilot that the world has ever seen. You should be proud.”  
Their eyes lingered on each other, Asuka giving a wide smile, Shinji’s smile being shyer and gentler. The moment lasted for a long time, peacefully.  
“Do you want to have sex, Shinji?”  
He blushed. “What?”  
“You heard me.” She smiled.  
“I uhh…I don’t know Asuka.”  
“Why? Are you scared?”  
He looked down. “I am not scared.”  
She frowned. “Then why not? I’m bored, Shinji. There’s nothing to do around here. We just have each other. I think we could have fun.”  
“I don’t think we should do something like that just because you’re bored.”  
“What, are you still hung up on like, society? It’s just us, Shinji. There’s no one around the judge us. We can do whatever we want. And I think it would be nice.”  
“What if you got pregnant, huh? You ready to be a mother, Asuka?” His voice had gotten rougher.  
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”  
“I’m sorry.” He looked up. She was glaring at him. “It’s just…we have all the time in the world. I don’t want to rush things.”  
“I get it.” Asuka got up. Shinji’s eyes found their way to her shining yellow fingernails. “I’m not good enough for you. You’re waiting for her to come back.”  
“...What are you talking about?”  
“Don’t play dumb, idiot. I know all about your little ‘grown-up kiss’”  
Shinji blushed. “What? This isn’t about that. I didn’t even want her to do that.”  
“You liked it.”  
“Shut up! No I didn’t.”  
Asuka glared at him.  
“I didn’t!”  
“...”  
“I mean, ok, it’s not like a didn’t like it a little. But it’s not like that! She was dying, she never actually thought we were going to do anything else. She just wanted me to get in the Eva. That was it.”  
“Uh-huh. You sure about that, Shinji? I know you crawled all around her dirty little mind. You sure she didn’t like that too.”  
“No! I mean…maybe a little. But she was dying, Asuka! And she knew it! So it’s not like she actually was going to do anything else with me.”  
“Don’t play dumb with me, Shinji. I know that pervert had already tried to sleep with you before.”  
“Miss Misato is not a pervert!” Shinji lept up.”Don’t talk about her like that! She cared about me! And she cared about you too! She might have had her…quirks. But her heart was in the right place.”  
“She just wanted to have sex with you.”  
“What the fuck, Asuka?” They were in each other’s faces now.  
“Think about it. Why would a grown woman want a whiny child like you to live with her. She wanted you to be her little boy toy. But you’re so pathetic you couldn’t even do that.”  
Shinji looked down, shaking, his voice breaking. He was quiet for a few seconds. “Why are you so mad, Asuka? I don’t understand.”  
“Why am I mad? I’m mad because you chose a fucking puddle over me! I’m mad because you’ll jerk-off to me but you won’t even anything with me!”  
“You liked it.”  
Asuka stared at him, unblinking, her mouth wide open. “What did you just say?” There was no love in her voice.  
“You did, Asuka! I know you did! You were so flattered, that I wanted you so bad, that I couldn’t even help myself.You were so desperate for anyone to want you, that you were ok with it, at least a little bit. I thought there was something strange about what you said that day on the beach, but then I realized. You knew it then, that you were just like me, or Miss Misato. You’re just as disgusting as me, Asuka! You’re just as disgusting as me!”  
She slammed him against the wall, with force that Shinji had only felt within the eva. Her teeth weer clenched as she glared at his terrified, pathetic face. “I want you to remember something. The next time you feel bad. Because I call you a mean name. Every single day that I don’t smash your fucking skull in for what you did to me I am preforming an unfathomable act of mercy.”  
She let go of him, and he slowly slid down to the floor,more by gravity than by any choice he was making. He hid his face in his hands. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m disgusting. I’m weak, and gross, and pathetic. And I’m an idiot. I’m such an idiot, Asuka.”  
She walked away. “No. You’re not the idiot.”

Asuka lifted her head from her pillow after hearing a mild-yet-persistent knocking at her door. She hesitated a few moments to look at a ceiling that was familiar, if more broken than she remembered it. She walked to the door, stepping over a jagged piece of lumbar as she passed the empty space that used to separate Asuka’s old room with the living room. She held her hand over the entrance to her apartment for a few moments, hesitating, then pulled it back. “What do you want, pervert? If you’re only here to whine pathetically and say ‘I’m sorry’ over and over you can fuck off!”  
The door was quiet for a few moments. “What do you want me to do, Asuka? What can I do to make it up to you?”  
Asuka gritted her teeth. “Fuck you! I’m not going to be here to coddle wittle-baby-Shinj every time he feels bad about the sex crime he did! You need to find a way to live with yourself, with what you’ve done. I’m not going to do it for you.”  
“...I’m sorry, Asuka.”  
Asuka leaned against the door, breathing heavily. She looked straight ahead. “What are you sorry for?”  
“You know…that thing…in the hospital”  
“No! You have to say it! If you’re really sorry, the least you can do is admit the thing you did!”  
“You…you want me to say it?”  
“Every single detail! I want you to say every single thing you remember! You’re getting paid by the word, pervert!”  
“Ok.” The door was quiet for a while. “I was confused at first. I don’t think even Miss Misato was really clear on what happened. I remember she did call you a ‘selfish little brat.’ Which, uh, sorry. You seemed so sad, the last couple weeks, I think we had all just figured….but you hadn’t, of course. I know that now. “  
“Say it, pervert! Say what you think I did!”  
“I thought that you had tried to kill yourself. You had tried to kill yourself, and I was your friend. And I was so alone. And I just…needed someone. So I went to see you. In the hospital. I wanted you to get up, to be there. Even if you were mean to me. So I shook you. I don’t know why I thought it would work. I was just so sad. And I think…it was just nice to touch somebody. So I was shaking you. But I did it a little too hard. Because you flipped over. And you were…I could see everything. So I…um…I…I…I”  
“Say it, Shinji.” She spoke quietly now.  
“I masturbated over you. While you were in a coma. It was a sudden decision. I locked the door and…no. I had time to lock the door. So it wasn’t that sudden. It didn’t take long, as far as those things go. I don’t usually have a…anyway, I did it. I remember staring at my hand for a long time. It was covered in the uh…semen…I think I was trying to understand what I did. And I left, without looking at you again. I didn’t even wash my hands, I didn’t care enough to do it. I know it mostly rubbed off at some point, not sure when. And I guess that’s it.”  
“Why did you do it, Shinji”  
The door was quiet.  
“Hey! Pervert!”  
“Because I’m awful. And disgusting. And selfish. I can’t care about anyone, because I’m too screwed up. I’m worthless. I have nothing good inside me, and there’s nothing within me worth saving. I’m worthless. Worthless!”  
Besides Asuka’s breathing , the room was quiet for a long while. Time seemed to have stopped completely. She looked down, and realized that she was opening and closing her hand. Recognizing the gesture, she slammed her fist against the wall.  
“You’re lying, pervert! You don’t get to say that you do bad things just because your bad, that’s not a reason! That’s just an excuse, so you can just keep hating yourself, so you don’t have to change! And besides, you didn’t mention everything! I saw you by the lake that day, Shinji! You stood there for so long, waiting, hoping that you would stop being a coward, for just long enough. You were so sweaty, you might have well have actually gone in. And you were so mad at Misato, because she made it sound so easy. Like you just had to give up, and that was it. But it’s not that easy, is it, Shinji? Because you still need to find the will. The will to die. And you just couldn’t find it, even though you wanted it so bad. I think that might be the worse feeling in the world, to want to die with all your heart, and not even have that awful hope that you will.” Her voice had gotten quiet again, and a tear had fallen from her cheek.  
She slammed her fist against the wall. “Fuck you, Shinji! How dare you trick me into talking like that! And that’s not the only lie you told. You can’t possibly think that it’s impossible for you to care about people, because I know you did. You cared about The First. You cared about Misato, and Mr. Kaji. You cared about your idiot friends, and that weird grey-haired kid that said all those nice things about you. You cared about your mother. You even cared about your bastard father, too, at least a little bit. You hated him, but you were ready to love him for so long, if he could only love you a little bit too. God, you are an idiot! You were able to have any positive feelings for the bastard, after all he’s done to you, and you still think you can’t care about anyone? You’re even dumber than I thought.”  
Asuka had her hand on her chin, and started talking again. “So, stop lying to me, idiot. Stop acting like a victim of yourself. It’s pathetic. You can be better. So you’d better start acting like it. And don’t pretend like you don’t care about me! Because I know that you do. And I…I…I hate you Shinji Ikari! I hate you, you stupid moron idiot! I hate you more than anyone else in the whole world!”  
“...”  
“Well? Say something! I’m not going to just sit here talking to myself!”  
“...”  
“Alright, you little…” Asuka swung the door open, revealing nothing but empty space. He was nowhere to be seen in the hallway. He was not there.  
“Don’t walk away while I’m talking to you!” she yelled as loud as she could. A faint “what” could be heard as she closed the door.


	5. Everything You've Ever Dreamed

Shinji opened his eyes, squinting. The new morning sun was emerging behind the ever-still crucified Eva in the distant, the light covering it’s grim visage in ominous shadows. He turned, laying on his back on the white sand, his eye tracing the blood ring in the sky.  
“Strange, I can usually fall asleep here, eventually. But then, I don’t come here because it’s comfortable.”

Asuka traced her finger through one of the notches on Shinji’s wall, the last one of the bottom row. There were seven rows of notches, the first containing 31 notches, the second, 28, the third, 31. (“Can’t believe that nerd had actually remembered how many days were in each month” Asuka had thought when she first saw it.) The seventh and final row had had nine notches.   
Asuka walked into an empty kitchen, an unmade bed at her feet shrouded in the orange morning sun. “Hey, pervert!” No response came. “The idiot had an early morning, huh.” She lingered restlessly for a few moments, before finding herself wandering towards Shinji’s old room.  
It was unchanged from how she left it: a noose lay by her feet, a few broken pieces of wood on the floor, and the red sun emerging from a hole in the ceiling. She sat in the light and reached out for the noose, studying it. “ You really never learn, huh. What made you think you’d be able to do it this time.” She thought back to the 188 notches on Shinji’s wall.   
She was quiet for a while, and began swing the noose hole back and forth, like a hypnotists’ pendant. “Is this what you really want? I said I was being merciful. But maybe this is what mercy looks like. Would I be helping you?You are so sad, after all. You were so sad before, and now you have so much guilt, and so little else. It’s not like you really want to be here with me. I’d bet you’d thank me, if you could. But I wouldn’t give you that chance.” She clenched her fist, looking down. “And I’d be ok. I wouldn’t have to get angry. I wouldn’t have to get scared of you perving on me, or hurting me again. It might even be nice.” Her voice cracked on the last sentence.   
She thought back, imagining if she was alone that night on the beach. How she would sleep there, all alone. How she would wander off, all alone, her body aching and useless, no idea where to go. How she would attempt to climb into the building, all alone. How she would be all alone when she found him. How she would be all alone for whatever she did next. How she would be all alone when she realized that she was alone. How she would have to drag his body all the way across the island, how she would have to dig the only real grave in a fake graveyard. She would think about not bothering, about leaving him somewhere. She wouldn’t have. When she was finished she would be all alone. She would be all alone when she made her own dashes. She would maybe make 188 dashes while she was alone. She would maybe make more.  
“Idiot,” She mumbled, stomping off.

Shinji sat cross-legged on a patch of dirt. “Hey, um, I know it’s been a while since I visited. I guess I sort of ran out of things to say to you. Sorry. But I have some big news. I’m not alone anymore. Asuka came back! Yepp, just like I told you she would. Things have been…complicated. Sometimes it feels like we’re ok, like she’s happy to be with me, like I’m happy to be with her. But other times…I mean, you know what I did to her. And it’s like she hates me, like I always thought she did. I don’t know. I saw in her whole mind and I still don’t feel like I get her. I guess you were right. I really don’t understand girls.”  
The Silver Cross of Katsuragi made no response.  
“We just had a fight.Not like our usual fights, this one was really bad. I said that she like that…thing that I did. You know. And she got mad. I probably shouldn’t have, but, after, she said that she wants to kill me, basically. And I get that. But before that, she was trying to have sex with me. I mean, that’s weird, right? I kind of wish she’d just pick one or the other. I don’t get it.  
“...”  
“You came up, actually. She said that you just wanted to have sex with me. Which isn’t true! I know it isn’t. I mean…I thought that I would know, seeing into your mind. But you didn’t really know everything either, did you? You wanted to be like a mom to me. But…I don’t know. It’s like, there’s this question between us, and if neither of us knows, than is there even really an answer? I know you knew that the kiss was the end. That I wasn’t coming back. But I knew that then, too. ” Shinji placed two fingers on The Cross.  
“...”  
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I know you’re mad at me. I know you gave me this to carry. But I can’t! I’m not ready yet! I still need you! I need your voice in my head, telling me what to do! I can’t figure it out. And Asuka isn’t helping. She just makes things more confusing. I need a grown-up! We both do, although Asuka would never admit it. I bet she misses you. Well…yeah, she misses you. She’d be happy to see you I think.”  
“...”  
“Hey, I don’t think I mentioned this, I found a can of beer. It wasn’t one of the one’s you liked, it was a Kirin Nodogoshi. I don’t know if that’s a good one. I was thinking now that me and Asuka could split it. I saw you after one beer, I don’t think it will do much. But it might be fun. It’s weird, before I never thought that I wanted to drink. It always seemed so embarrassing to be like that, so silly and out of control. it didn’t seem worth it to me. But now I wish that I could drink with you. I’d like for you to have been there, when I did it for the first time. It would be nice to do it together. But that will never happen now.”  
“...”  
“Like I said, Asuka came back. So I guess that means I was right.” Shinji did not sound happy to be right. “I told you, there were only two people that I knew well enough to know when they would come back. I was sure about Asuka. Didn’t think she’d be the actual first one to come back, but I knew she’d be early. And I was sure about you. So, I guess that I was probably right when I said that you…that you…you’re….you’re….I guess…I just… wish that…I…” He fell to his knees with an inhuman cry, and wept.

Asuka eyes were glued to the ground, observing the uneven white sand at her feet. She looked up, hey eye meeting the gaze of Ayanami in the distance.  
“I don’t have any time to talk to you right now, head. I have to find that idiot.”  
“...”  
“Yes, I know that! Of course I do. But we’re the only two people left. So we need each other. So it doesn’t matter if neither of us wants to be here. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want me. We’re all each other has.” Asuka looked all around again. “You can probably see everything, can’t you? With that giant eye of yours. You know exactly where he is, but you can’t even tell me. Some friend you are. Wish I could see all that you see. If only I had…”  
“...”  
“Well yes, I guess I could’ve grabbed the binoculars before I left.” She started to walk off.  
“...”  
“Talk to you later.”  
“...”

Asuka was there, lying on her back on floor of the storage room, arms outstretched, her head turned to one side with her hair covering her eyes.  
“I told you to take it easy, Asuka. You’re body’s still not back to full strength yet.” Shinji put down a dirty shovel and looked at her. He stood there, looking at her, opening and closing his hand. His eyes darted all across her body: her breasts, her neck, her hair, her arm, her thighs, her breasts, her neck. Eventually, his eyes lingered on her yellow fingernails.  
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and stepped over her body. “I hope somebody else comes back soon, Asuka. For both our sakes.”

Shinji starred straight ahead in the red light of his usual evening spot, a closed book in his hands  
“Stupid fucking useless puddle body” mumbled Asuka as she stumbled into the hallway.  
“Hi, Asuka.”  
Asuka looked over, her eyes becoming wide. “You!” She stomped over. “Where the hell have you been?”  
“Um, I mean, I’ve been all over, I guess, mostly I’ve been digging, there’s a spot that’s sort of over,” he pointed his finger diagonally behind himself.  
“You can’t just run off like that, idiot! What the hell is wrong with you? You stupid pervert moron idiot! Fuck you, Shinji!”  
Shinji was quiet for a few moments, looking at her. “Are you done, Asuka? You can keep yelling if you want. I figured letting you yell at me is the least I can do.”  
She gritted her teeth. “I don’t yell at you because I enjoy it.” Looking off, she took a few deep breaths. “Besides, it’s no fun if you let me do it.”  
They were quiet for a few moments, Shinji looking up at Asuka, Asuka turned away. “Can I ask you a question, Asuka.” She simply glared at him. “…ok. Well, I was wondering. What was your first reaction, when you found me on the beach? What was the first thing you thought?”  
She looked down. “I got scared. Which is stupid, obviously. Because your so weak and pathetic. But, I remembered everything you did. And it made me scared.”  
“Is that it?”  
“I did think about killing you, a little bit. Smashing your head in with a rock I found.”  
Shinji looked down too. “I figured. Something about the way you said it. It sounded specific.”  
“Well, can you blame me, Shinji? After all that you’ve done.” She looked at Shinji, who was curled up into a ball now.  
“Sorry. It was just nice to think that you were happy to see me.”  
“Fuck you, Shinji! Listen up, because this is the only time I’m going to say it. I did not kill you. Me, who saw the entirety of your pathetic, miserable soul. Me, the coma girl you jerked it too, the girl who died because you were too much of a pathetic coward to help me. Of course I thought about it. And I didn’t do it. I did not kill you. You should be overjoyed. You should want to throw a parade, it makes you so happy.”  
“You could still do it, though.”  
Her voice got weak. “I don’t want to kill you, Shinji.”  
He looked up. “I don’t want to kill you either, Asuka.”  
“So what are we talking about then,” she said, sitting down besides him.  
“ I guess I’m just scared. It was so hard to live together before. And that was when we had school, and friends, and a whole city full of people. And now it’s just us, on this little island, nothing much to do, not even more than one book between. I’m just scared of what could happen.”  
“Yeah.”  
They were quiet a long time, both of them sitting besides each other, their eyes starring at the cracked wall in front of them.  
“You know, Shinji, I never thanked you for cleaning up my place.”  
“Hm? Oh, that was nothing.”  
“No! It was not nothing. It was a nice thing that you did. And I should thank you for it. So, thank you.”  
Shinji smiled. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you thank anyone, Asuka.”  
“Hey! I thank people! And anyway, I think that’s the type of thing we should be doing. Saying thank you, and things like that. It looks like we’re going to be stuck together, at least for a little while. We should try to be nice.”  
“I don’t really think I’m the one who needs to work on being nice, Asuka.” She glared at him. “Sorry. I guess that’s the type of thing I shouldn’t do.”  
She smiled. “See? Now you’re getting it. We just have to try to be nice to each other, and this whole thing will be a breeze.” They sat in an awkward silence for a long while.  
“You know, I really did miss you, Asuka.”  
She frowned. “I’m sure you did. You were all alone. I’m sure you missed me, the same way you missed everyone else. The same way you miss playing the cello.”  
“No, Asuka, not like that. I missed you.”  
She looked down. “You tried to kill me, Shinji.”  
“I’m sorry about that, Asuka. I really am. I saw you and I just…got scared. I don’t know how to explain. I wouldn’t have wanted to kill you, before that. I wanted you to come back.”  
“When I said we should be nice, I didn’t mean you had to lie like that.”  
“No! Listen. On that first night, when we were sitting here, all I could think of was ‘I’m glad it was her.’ Despite all the fighting, and everything. I’m glad that it was you that came back, Asuka.”  
She looked up, grinning. “Really?”  
“Really.”  
“Well, maybe it won’t be so bad being stuck with you either, Shinji.”  
He smiled too. “Good. I’m glad.”  
They sat in a pleasant silence for a few moments, and then Asuka got up, rubbing Shinji’s knee as she did  
“Hey, Asuka? I’m sorry, but I just have to ask. Does this mean…do you forgive me? For everything? Do you think that you can forgive me?”  
She looked back with a quizzical look. “I didn’t kill you, Shinji.”  
He smiled. “Does that mean yes?”  
“It means don’t press your luck.” She walked away.

There was a loud, repetitive knocking at Asuka’s door. “Asuka! Asuka!”  
She opened the door, wearing an oversized t-shirt that stretched almost to her knees. “What? I was trying to sleep,” she mumbled.  
“Asuka, it’s the middle of the day. Whatever! That doesn’t matter. I have to show you something. Come on!” He ran off.   
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so excited,” she thought, lumbering after him.  
Ten minutes later, they came upon an unassuming patch of dirt. “Asuka look!” said Shinji, kneeling down.  
She keeled besides him, squinting. “What am I looking at, Shinji?”  
“Look! There!” He pointed at one spot, and Asuka found a single blade of grass blooming from the dirt. “It’s a plant! An actual living thing! The only living thing I’ve seen, besides the two of us! Isn’t that exciting?”  
“Whatever,” she mumbled, wandering off. “Let me know when something comes back that we can eat.


End file.
